What they don't tell you about growing up!

You were small, and you cried every time you fell. Every bruised knee, de-skinned elbow, broken bone had you bawling. And the older you got, the more people around you said for progressively severe injuries "Big girls (or boys) don't cry when they get hurt".

And they were right. You fall down and tear a knee ligament enough to make you scream, enough to make the doctor that saw you want to give you a pain-killing injection. But cry you didn't, however bad you were hurt.

They never tell you that pain is not caused only by open wounds.

They told you that big girls and boys don't get scared of sleeping alone, when you demanded to be admitted to the same bed as the parents.

And they were right. You got adjusted to new-found freedom, the ability to stay up late as much as you wanted.

They never tell you you will hate to sleep alone.

They said you would learn from your mistakes, and that you would face them like a grown up.

And they were right. You find it easier to raise your hand now and say, "My mistake. Sorry."

They never tell you that your mistakes will be progressively more expensive.

The one thing you were always told was to Never Trust Strangers.

And they were right. It will pay for you to be cynical and suspicious of people who appear to be nice, for people will take advantage of you.

They never tell you that sometimes they - and you - could be completely wrong.

Shut up. Just shut up!

I cannot stand eternal pessimists - people who are just negative about everything. They think that just because they could do nothing, others don't stand a chance to do the same either. I have no offense against people who do not have political views but I do object such people commenting on political causes, criticizing the people who take initiatives for the betterment of people and sit on their couches and pass statements like ‘Nothing can do away the corruption in this nation!’

No matter how much you try to prove your point and instill a hope in their minds they always win. Because you always fall short of words when they start to speak about the negatives points regarding an issue and there is no point raising your voice to convince them. It never works.

The worst part is when you have such people talking against the government, its policies and the people running the government among your friends!

All you can do is just shut up and hope that corruption and all the other stains against the government would one day be wiped clean (well at least to a great extent) and that would shut the mouths of those who do nothing but pass the buck and shrug off their own responsibilities.

I am not trying to defend the government here but I do believe if all have a little faith we can definitely make a change. And if we cannot get up and fight for the change at least we should not pull down others who are fighting for it!

Need a pain killer.... do you have one??

To have a heap of emotions in your head almost about to blast off and not being able to express them is so frustrating. Its like if you don't find a vent for your emotions you'll cross the mark of sanity and break down the next moment.

 

Ok, so I am alone.
People are busy. No problem
No one cares a shit. No issues
No one can understand. Perfectly alright!

But at least let me write! At least let me speak up! At least find me words to pen down in my diary!!

 

Why do I have to be robbed of words when I begin to write something?

Am I not even supposed to tell my blog about how sick I feel??

Why does writer's block strike when I am miserable as hell and have no way out of the mess?!!


I try to smile but the pain grows inside. I try to forget and guilt creeps back into my mind.

Why??....  why does life have to be so fucking hard sometimes???

When the road you are trudging seems all uphill...

There comes a time in life when you are down in the dumps. It feels like you will never come out of it.

Your life, health (mental & physical) everything goes for a toss. Everything is lurking in unpredictability. All it needs is slight push and it'll will fall off the edge.
If that isn't enough, the people you love the most are far away from you and suffering equally as you are.
You know their misery and yet you don't have the will or the strength to pick up the phone and call them, leave alone consoling them.

You pray hard, you try everything to make things work but you end up losing everything.

You want to cry to someone. You want to hear someone say 'It is going to be Ok'. You need a shoulder to rest your head on, just close your eyes for a while and feel peaceful.
But helplessly, you sleep on it only to find the next day worse than the one that passed.

All I wanted was to be happy, all I wanted was peace of mind... never knew it was so hard to find.

Some things never change?

Actually, they change all the time. Remember old wise men telling us how change is inevitable, and how its the only constant thing in life? Well, they're right. *Sigh*

A friend recently wrote to me saying "You know, I have a lot of friends here, but its difficult to understand what rights  I have over them. For instance, I cant call someone up and yell at them for having forgotten my birthday or simply not calling back! It seems like charm school!"
And I got it. I got her. Small things like this mean a whole lot more. I love that I can call up my best friend, and be raving mad at her for something, and have the "right" to be angry, upset or happy with her, and tell her/him so. Its something we take for granted. Its something 'I' took for granted.
I can never be friends with a person if I don't know my "rights" or level of acquaintance. I need to understand where I stand in that persons life, and be on the same page. Let me explain what I mean by the help of the categories in my mind. (Please note all situations are vice versa!)

Category 1 -The Acquaintance If your someone I never share feelings with, but just meet socially your an acquaintance. I can never be mad at you, or expect anything from you - like call backs, informing me about developments in your life etc. and vice versa.
Category 2 - The Good friend- If your someone who I've had slightly personal conversations with, but are not someone I'd be comfortable telling everything to, or hang out with outside of a social gathering, then we're better than acquaintances, but not as good as best friends. In this case, your not someone I'd call up specifically and talk about life changes or things, but if we meet Id speak with you on a more personal level than I would an acquaintance. Expectations are at a minimal level.
Category 3 - The Best friends a.k.a the close inner circle - This is the best category to be. We can hang out alone together for hours, talk about the most personal of personal stuff, trust each other completely. Expectations and 'rights' are the highest here. Right to be mad, Right to demand an explanation, right to do something special, expect it back etc.

Its important for me to gauge where my friendship with a person stands and which compartment he/she fits into. for e.g. I cannot imagine an 'expectation-less' close friendship, one where I speak with someone only in good times, disappear for long durations, resurface and disappear again and expect not to be questioned. Cause if your someone close to me, your capable of hurting me by things you say and do, and if we cant talk about it and I dont have the 'right' to be mad at you, I'd downgrade that to an acquaintance and treat you accordingly then.

 I take my friendships and people who I love very seriously. Its in my blood. But yeah, I'm equally good at letting go (now). I'm done with the half hear-ted friendships, the being taken for granted and all that jazz.

What was I saying about Change? Everything changes. well yeah.
In yesterdays case, some waists were narrower, some hips wider, some one's hair longer, and another ones straighter, yet another's eyes de-spectacled. Conversations revolved around finding and losing jobs, impending marital ceremonies and insistent singlehood as opposed to crushes and fixing basketball matches of the past. So change there was plenty.

Still, together, we were the same loud, crazy, hysterical kids who went to school years ago, looking back at pictures of our uglier days, wondering how we got here so soon. SO DARN SOON.
P.S - besties if you ever read this, I missed you idiots!

How do you know?

Everyone around me is either taking the plunge, about to take it, or obsessing about taking it. How do you know when he's the one? How do you know if She's the one? One life is all we've got... how do we understand whose the best person to share it with, to be witness to our ups and downs. There are no right answers - only perspectives.

Having been through a fair share of 'I think its him' and 'Oh god NO's' I'm more certain of what I don't want - than what I actually do want. Ive turned from a girl easily influenced by Romantic Comedies who identified with all the heartbroken leading ladies except for the last bit when they're swept by the man of their dreams (When that part came on, I'd cry).... to one who knows Real life is more subdued, there's no background music and sometimes what isn't said, but felt - is prettier than a romantic line from a love song...


A girlfriend almost in a relationship with someone did background checks on his family and standard of living etc.. this was purely genuine protecting herself - before she got into something she dint have a clue about. A good mix of rational thinking in love. I wholly agreed with her decision, but at the same time thought back to the time A happened. I went along with the feeling in my heart and just let go. I have not met his parents yet, and am not willing to do so until my parents come around (They haven't yet). Here i realized how my claims of being more rational and realistic than a few years ago got rubbished in an instant. Somehow love for me has always been something I cant mix procedures with, But I see how important it is. I do.

I want to be married to a man who balances me... who I can talk nineteen to a dozen with, but whom I can also be silent with -- content with the moment, and his being, comforted by his Aura, silenced by his strength and rejuvenated with his presence... Less than perfect is perfect. Exactly what I want. I dont want to wonder if A is the one, imagine a wedding and a 'beyond'. I want to KNOW.

So how do you know? Will you know when you have a fight all day but the minute you feel slightly sick he's forgotten that it was your fault to begin with? Or that the first person you want to call when your happy or your sad is him? Or that you love how he treats your kid brother? Or how he doesnt say the perfect things all the time, but when he does say somethign nice your day is made? Maybe. Maybe not.


In a way Im tired of not knowing. I want my life to move on, I want to unveil 'him', that person whose mine all mine. I want to be proposed to, and have a ring on my finger and belong to someone. I want to a have a home and decide what colour tiles my bathroom will have. Give in, completely - mind and body and know what its like. Finding out what its like to go home to someone and lie down next to someone and wake up next to him and know he's yours.

Comeone life, get a move on!

All I do is miss you, and the way we used to be.

I'm beginning to understand why people get 'boring' as they get older. Why butterflies in the stomach 'used to be' that feeling you knew, why it gets harder as time flies by. It was a strange, startling discovery when a song played in the background yesterday - Romeo and Juliet by Dire straits. One of my favorites.. Ive been humming it ever since.

I'm a music person - I had a song for every mood - mellow, happy, sad, sad-sad, happy-sad, melancholy, in love, heartbreak, make up, break up, aloof, spaced out.... I had one playing in my mind everyday and that song defined my mood. I remember this week that "Bittersweet symphony" was the song in my mind and I went about the week feeling randomly disjoint and pieced apart. This other time Boulevard of broken dreams was playing on my mind and I had a nasty few days since it reminded me of a friend whose no more. And it was his favorite song. Hungry eyes was that song I danced to. You get my drift.

Today on my way to work in the cab, I realized how the music in my life has been replaced. Slowly, without realizing the transformation I was talking to myself each day - debating the outcome of my day, the presentation I am supposed to make, that conversation I had last night, the emails I need to reply to, where my relationship is going, what Im going to write in my application essays... its all getting thought without a background score in place.

It was after that I hooked up my laptop and played back some of my favorite music - Mark Knofler, Coldplay, maroon 5, floyd... its safe to say that the state Im in currently could be called "on a trip" or "spaced out" or some other such vaguely intense definition.

Each song hides moments, memories - nestled in the notes, the lyrics. Its like Mark Knofler said "All i do is kiss you - through the bars of a rhyme". I've hidden so many stolen moments, kisses, glances, rides, tears, fears in the folds of so many songs... and discovering them sometimes by accident is just a delicious tingle - a feeling so infinite, of being able to travel time and 'relive'.

Moments have a way of shrinking when put into words - but they magnify when romanced with music. making love, out of nothing at all.

Here's to a homecoming - to my favorite boys - Dave Matthews band , Dire Straits , maroon 5, coldplay, Neil Diamond, Randy travis, Richard Clayderman, and my girlies - Norah Jones, Alanis and Tracy.

The Song I'd dedicate right now? 1992 Serendipity - Forever and Ever, Amen. Randy Travis. (click link for song)