Looking Bad

 

 Some people make you feel like you are a bad person. Have you wondered how they manage to do it? I did a little analysis and this is my logic. You look into that person's eye. Just focus on one eye and look right into the pupil. You can see an image of yourself and invariably in such a person's eye, you can see just a black silhouette. Any guesses?
If you think its all because of the bright light behind you, try looking to the eye of a person who makes you feel good. There is a higher chance you don't see that black silhouette of yourself but just a smaller pupil and a twinkle. Did you spot the twinkle, lucky one?

Please. Say it with me – really???

I have a bee in my Veil. A large one and buzzing loudly to ignore. And I need to catch it and “de-sting” it, maybe pull its wings off for good measure.

A couple of afternoons ago, a colleague at work brought up the news on ‘slut-shaming’ protest in the UK. And guess what, it is going to happen in Delhi too! For those of you who haven’t heard about it, it was basically a group of women making the point, publicly, that even if they are sluts, they deserve not to be raped. Not unreasonable right? Or is it?

When Mary brought it up, she said ‘slut-shaming’ with a smirk on her face, like ‘how ridiculous – if you’re a slut then you’re asking for it no?’ I couldn’t be certain; after all, Mary is in her late Twenties, grew up in Male’ and was well educated and working in the field of Teaching – not the type I’d imagine would have such archaic and un-feminist ideas. So I asked.

I was right. Sadly. And she went on to elucidate her argument (I use this term quite lightly) with absolute disdain. According to her, yes it is sad when women are raped, but rapists have a mental problem no? And women should be responsible enough not give these mentally ill people any reason to ‘lose control’ over their impulses. I had to stop her right there –mental problem?? There may be some men who raped a woman because they managed to escape from a mental institution, but does that mean a majority of men who rape women have a mental ‘illness’? Really? We’re going to give them that excuse now? I asked her about women who get gang raped – are all the men involved mentally ill? She really thought so. She really believed it was a mental problem that caused men to rape women. Nothing to do with their lack of respect for a woman, nothing to do with their insane power-trip, nothing to do with their innate violent tendencies, nothing to do with their arrogance and the belief that they can have what they want when they want and from whom they want – mental illness.

So then I asked why it was the woman’s responsibility – why should she be liable for some ass-hole not having the willpower to keep his pants up. Surely that was asking too much of her? How can she control how another human being will behave?? She gave me some more illustrations.   All men look at a woman and their first impression is based on how she looks. Again, obviously, I had to disagree. I said (a) it is too much of a generalization to say that of all men and (b) if we did have to generalize, then surely it was safe to say everyone, man or woman, makes snap judgments based on a person’s appearance, until of course, you get to know the person and revise your opinion thereafter, right? No.

Men do this and decide how seriously to take a woman based on what she is wearing and it is the woman’s fault. After all, would I like it if a woman wore a sexy outfit and tried to break up my marriage or my relationship? God how I loathe this one especially!

No I said. If some sexy woman came along and my marriage broke up I would not blame the sexy woman. She thought I was being too permissive. No Mary, all I mean is that if my husband or boyfriend decided to leave me for another woman, sexy or not, it would be between him and me. NOT the other woman’s responsibility. She decided I couldn’t possibly have understood what she meant and decided to give me another illustration. What if, she said, “a new male friend joins and when he comes to sit with us in this table, I show off my cleavage and get to him to pay more attention to me than anyone else in here, wouldn’t that be unfair – to get his attention by using my physical charms?” I almost laughed.

Again, patiently, I said no, it would say more about him than you. I’d think he was an idiot because he was paying you attention not because you have anything intelligent to say but because you’re showing him some cleavage?!

She refused to acknowledge that I might have a point. She was adamant that it was a woman’s responsibility to dress appropriately and not draw unwanted attention to herself. After all, you (that’s me) can’t deny that men will rape women and it would be safer for a girl if she could “just not add to his temptation.”

I couldn’t deny it. It is a pathetic reality that men will rape women. But I have a different strategy to deal with that. “What’s that?” she asked. Rather than teach my daughter to dress differently, I would teach my son to respect women and teach him some impulse control. Impossible! That was her last word on the topic.

I sat there and thought. As educators we tell our students they are the future of the world. As a history teacher, she tells her students they must learn about the past so they can change the future. That they must ‘be the change they want to see.’

But do we all really believe this change is possible? And if we don’t really really believe it how can we convince the young people in our charge that they can make changes.

Why did she say impossible? Why is it impossible to stop telling our girls to dress differently and start teaching our boys that respect has nothing to do with how a person dresses, that respect has nothing to do with a person’s age or gender. That respect is a basic human courtesy that every individual deserves just by virtue of being a human being.

In the Qur'an, the  Bible, the Bhagwad Gita (probably other religious texts too, but I know these for sure) it is said – Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

You wouldn’t like it if you got raped and people said it was because you wore too much lipstick right?

Ridiculous? Perhaps it was the stockings and high heels.

Nonsense! Might have been the short skirt.

Rubbish! Must have been the cleavage-showing blouse.

Preposterous! Obviously then, it was the language you used – told you, you shouldn’t have said ‘fuck’ so much.

WHERE DOES THIS END??

And if you don’t like the idea that you might be told these things, why do you have such insane ideas about others?? Or, oh this is the best one, are you really just that naïve/stupid that you think you’re immune to rape because you’re not ‘that kind of girl’??!

Please. Say it with me – really???

So where’s the link?

So far I have thought of sex separately and then climate change separately. A conversation changed this. For a change the two elements combined and a link was seen. All elements that I use to analyse in my head such as sex, sexual rights, expression of one’s sexuality and then the reproductive rights, all fell in line and came into perspective with the topic I usually speak on and work: climate change.

Where is the link? Is there a link?

We all speak of climate change and then over consumption. The continuing growth of human population and the lack of resources. I once had a conversation with someone who said that climate activists failed to see the point and that they need to focus on population growth rather than the carbon emissions. I did not think much of that statement at that point, but now looking back, the person did seem to have had a point.

Do I think we should NOT speak of cutting down our carbon emissions? No I do not believe that to be the case, but it is seems the time is right  that we accept which is equally important to focus on: the ever growing population and the need to provide each one born with resources. This growth and the demands for resources is a cycle that keeps repeating itself. Where there is growth in human kind, there is also the growth of consumption, leading to more production, more emissions and then resulting in a lack of resources.
So well what am I trying to say here? Well simple. When we think of climate change, it is time we think or sexual rights. The time has come to focus on the women’s right to sexual education, to contraception and sexual health rights.

Women today suffer the grave consequences of the lack of awareness. They are those who are greatly affected by the effects of climate change and they seem the ones who are the least privileged of information in many parts of the developing world.

Their wombs are not to be blamed for the growth of population, but a need for awareness for prevention of unwanted pregnancies, but the rights for contraception needs to be noticed as one of the ways that could contribute in combating climate change.

So when you think of cutting down on carbon emissions, don’t you think it is also time to think of contraception?

100 years of Women’s Day, but girls still marginalised

 When we celebrated 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day, Girls throughout the world still face ‘double discrimination’ due to both sex and age.

Women past and present have made enormous economic, political and social achievements, but much more needs to be done to enable millions of girls to reach their true potential, especially in developing countries.
Lack of opportunities and recognition for girls is one of the most pressing issues in international development.

Research has shown that investing in girls and young women has a disproportionately beneficial effect in alleviating poverty - not only for girls themselves but for their families, communities and entire countries. Girls who spend an extra year at school will on average increase their lifetime income by 10 to 20 percent.

Deepali Sood, Director of  Because I am a Girl campaign said: “Women's empowerment begins with girl’s empowerment. Breaking the cycle of gender discrimination requires that we promote and protect the rights of girls. At the same time we also need to equip them with the skills and opportunities they need to transform their lives and those of their communities.”

Simply being born a girl can leave a child at a huge disadvantage in life. In the poorest societies a girl faces greater risk of malnutrition, hunger and disease compared to her brothers. She will have fewer opportunities for an education and career. In many developing countries one out of seven girls marries before age 15.

Girls are often bundled together with women and children, with the result that their particular needs and the challenges they face at home, school and in society are neglected.

Many children suffer from violence, neglect, exploitation, discrimination and exclusion. Many, especially girls, are at risk of physical and sexual abuse at home and in school.

Here are few things that we as responsible citizes can do for child protection 

• Helping to protect child labourers, children with disabilities, children affected by conflict and disaster, street children, and children who have been trafficked or are at risk of being trafficked.
• Improving understanding of children and young people’s rights, and working with governments to strengthen legislation that protects children.
• Supporting communities to raise awareness about child protection, and to campaign against tolerance of sexual abuse, including organising local protection networks, encouraging the reporting of abuse, and monitoring the enforcement of laws guaranteeing protection.
• Working with communities to change attitudes to harmful practices such as female genital cutting and early and forced marriage.

we need to work with marginalised, socially-excluded groups, whose rights are systematically violated, and whose living conditions make them the most vulnerable.

Littil Slet & Buladdy Vore!

“If we accept being talked to any kind of a way, then we are telling ourselves we are not quite worth the best. And if we have the effrontery to talk to anybody with less than courtesy, we tell ourselves and the world we are not very intelligent.”

~Maya Angelou

The first time I was called ‘a slut’ I would have been about 17 years old. And of all the people to hear say it – my mom!

I’d been to a party the previous night and returned later than usual – one o’clock! I almost never had a curfew because all my friends had curfews and so I had to return home when they all did anyway. Quite clever that was of my mom, letting me think she was so liberal. Anyway, one o’clock was late, midnight was the usual deadline and I know most of my friends got into trouble either that night itself or the next morning at breakfast.
This next conversation was my version of ‘getting into trouble for missing curfew’:

Mom: You came home at 1 last night. Howcome?
Me: Mary's bro was on duty and he had the keys, main door was locked so it took ages for her bro to come home n open. So by the time it was quite late.
Mom: So you should have called your father to come pick you up na. We got worried.
Me: Sorry mom, but it was really not a big deal. Anyway, nothing happened.
Mom: Maybe, but the neighbor saw you apparently.
Me: What do you mean?
Mom: She saw you coming home last night! At one!
Me: So?
Mom: What do you mean ‘so’? You don’t care what people think of you? You don’t mind if she thinks you are a ‘littil slet’.

The rest of the conversation isn’t important. My sister, who was also at the breakfast table, and I burst out laughing. For one, the way she said it, with her superb Dhivehi accent was just.. I can’t describe it, but if you have a  friend with Dhivehi accent, ask him or her to say ‘little slut’ so you’ll know what I mean. For another, where the hell was this coming from?? My sweet, uncorrupted, typically-Maldivian mom had said ‘slet’! I’d never even heard her say ‘idiot’!

You may think I’m making this up. But within half an hour my friend Mary called me up to tell me how her (also typically-Maldivian) mom had called her a ‘Buladdy vore’. [Again, ‘vore’ is Dhivehi voicing for ‘whore’.]

Now before you get all outraged at this kind of ‘verbal abuse’ from mothers to their daughters, I must clarify. They were not really calling me and Mary ‘slets’ or ‘vores’ but just warning us that these might be terms others (our nosy neighbours) are using to describe us.

Now these nosy neighbours (how the alliteration) have no clue what My friends or I had been doing with our ‘private’ parts.

But that’s how these words work. If you ask ten people, you get ten different definitions. Is a slut a girl who has sex too early? With too many boys? With girls? (Oh no! Those ‘lesbos’ are the worst kind!) Without proper commitment? Who has too much fun? Who ought to be more discreet about it, or more ashamed? Is a whore just a woman who dresses too ‘obviously’ to attract sexual attention?

What the fuck do these terms mean?? What’s ‘too early’? How many boys is ‘too many boys’? What do they mean by ‘proper commitment’ and ‘too much fun’? How does one dress less ‘obviously’??
These people who called us ‘slets’ and ‘vores’ – I doubt even they know what it means really, but this much they will agree on – a ‘slet’ is NOT THEM. A ‘vore’ is also NOT THEM.

Mary and I both laughed at this nonsense. But it was far from nonsense to her mom and mine. They were hurt and angry. Not at us (well a little bit, we didn’t have to provoke such comments did we?) but our filthy-minded neighbours.

But today, I understand their anger. It stems from fear. Because words like these engender violence. It is words like these that justify the existence of the oxymoron – ‘rape culture’.

What the fuck is rape culture? At first I thought – how insane is this terminology?! Rape and culture should not go together. Of course the reality is that they do.

An eleven year old is raped by 22 men. One of the many articles about this horrifying incident of violence calls them ‘teens and men’ because apparently the youngest ‘participant’ was aged 14 years.

Obama is going on at length about how HE has managed to rid the world of Osama bin Laden and how the killing of Osama bin Laden is a milestone in the fight against terrorism.

What does he mean!!!!!

What happened to that eleven year old CHILD is terrorism! And what’s even more terrifying is how WOMEN in that Cleveland community are worried about ‘the tension this incident has caused’ within their community. They are worried that ‘such an incident, if it isn’t dealt with quickly, will cause a lot of upheaval for ALL those involved.’ They believe this incident should just be ‘over and done with quickly’, after all ‘these boys will have to live with this for the rest of their lives – isn’t that enough?’ Is this not terrorism????

The New York Times that first reported this act of terror felt the need to also make a mention of how much make-up this little girl was wearing. THIS too is terrorism.

All of these are variations on the good ol’ “She was asking for it” bullshit.

And it’s not just the rapists obviously who say this kind of crap. So many people do it. And you don’t even realize how offensive you sound.

Years ago, my sister and I were getting ready to go to a party and she came to my room wearing a fitted, short black dress and asked how I thought she looked. She was also wearing these really high heels and I remember saying to her, “Isn’t that a little bit slutty?” I don’t even know what I really meant then. Was I telling her that if she wore that outfit boys would give her dirty stares – and that would be her fault? Was I telling her that if she wore that outfit boys would think she was ‘easy’ – and the way to not make them think that was to ‘dress differently’???

Both of those are true. They would have given her dirty stares. They would have also flirted her with thinking they’d get invited to her bed that very evening just because she was wearing a short dress. But why should it be her responsibility to dress differently! Why isn’t is the responsibility of these boys and men to grow up and learn some decency and manners!

Milestone. What a fucking milestone.

It's More Than Just a Pound of Flesh

I remember when I was seventeen; I tried on some new ideas. One of my ideas was that notions of "right" and "wrong" were false creations of society, and did not actually exist. Yeah, it didn't make much sense back then, either.

Now, that's not to say that I still don't think a fair bit of cultural imperialism does occur, and that The Western World does tend to think the rest of the world should be Like We Are, but that's not this article. That is another article.

Anyhow, one day I was testing out my "no such thing as wrong" theory by saying it out loud over lunch with an older and wiser friend of mine, who shot me down in an instant with "What about female genital mutilation? To me, that is inarguably wrong, because its only function is to remove natural human pleasure."
Well. He had me there.

Female Genital Mutilation is one of those concepts that hits you hard with the realization that universal female equality is a long way from being a done deal. For those who have heard the term FGM, but aren't sure on the exact details of it, I offer you this information:

The term FGM covers three main varieties of genital mutilation:

1) "Sunna" circumcision: Consists of the removal of the tip of the clitoris.

2) Clitoridectomy: Consists of the removal of the entire clitoris, and the removal of the adjacent labia.

3) Infibulation: This most extreme form, consists of the removal of the clitoris, the adjacent labia (majora and minora), and the joining of the scraped sides of the vulva across the vagina, where they are secured with thorns or sewn with catgut or thread. A small opening is kept to allow passage of urine and menstrual blood in most cases, though not always. In some cases, the opening is not present, which causes even more incredible health risks and can be fatal. An infibulated woman must be cut open to allow intercourse on the wedding night and is closed again afterwards to secure fidelity to the husband.

FGM is usually performed on girls from age’s four to eight, but is also performed on teens and women. Anesthetic is very rarely used. The girls are forcibly held down by a group during the procedure, which may be done using broken glass, tin can lids, scissors or razor blades.

Now, if that doesn't just turn your stomach and cross your legs, you're made of stronger stuff than I am.
Some people like to call it "female circumcision", so perhaps we'll just think "Oh, circumcision. They do that to boys every day. No big deal." Well, if male circumcision was performed by the town barber with a rusty piece of metal, carried with it the risk of hemorrhage and HIV infection, involved cutting off the entire penis and testicles, closing up the whole shebang with some fishing wire, and was done so a man would never cheat on his wife, then maybe it would be the same.

What I'm saying is: It's not the same.

FGM isn't just about fidelity. An intact woman is seen as unmarriageable, because she is considered unclean. There are those who believe a man will die if he has any contact with a woman's clitoris. (I have met some people who think that, actually.) Little concern seems to be given by its perpetrators for the long term psychological, physical, sexual and emotional damage that has happened to the over 130 million Muslim and Christian women in Egypt, Chad, Ethiopia, Niger, Uganda, Kenya, Somalia, Sierra Leone, Pakistan, India, Maldives, Malaysia, Indonesia and several other countries around the planet. Even the US and Canada have instances of FGM, and have only passed laws against it within the last decade.

So. You've got dozens of countries, Major powerful religions, Centuries of institutionalized sexism. Millions of women!! Thorns and catgut and HIV transmission! It's enough to make you want to catch the next shuttle bus to Neptune, isn't it? It just seems like Too Much, you know?

Well, it is a lot. But there are people who are working to stop it, in a few different ways. Some through education of local mothers, in attempt to convince them not to have their daughters cut the way they were. Some through legislation against the procedure (although there is always the danger this will just push the practice underground). Some through awareness building in places where FGM doesn't occur, in order to let the rest of the world in on how serious this practice is, and the ramifications towards upwards of 90% of the women in some countries, in hopes it will mobilize them to join the fight for change.

One woman who is working a few of these angles is SiaAmma. SiaAmma is an adult woman who underwent FGM as a child in Liberia. She now divides her time between Africa and the US, and performs a one woman show called In Search Of My Clitoris, during which she re-enacts her own cutting onstage. She has also started an organization called Global Women Intact, which works in North American to teach teenage girls to love and respect their bodies, and in Africa offers communities the knowledge with which they can hopefully transform rather than eliminate initiation ceremonies for their daughters that would leave their bodies and spirits unharmed.

What can you do? Well, you can talk about it, that's important. You can make sure that people know exactly how catastrophic the procedure is. You can also check out groups like Amnesty International, who have a very detailed article about FGM and what is being done to stop it.

You can give your time and voices to those trying to make this practice stop.

Most importantly, you can honor and appreciate your own intact body and sexuality, and never take it for granted.

An FGM Fact Sheet

 According to the United Nations Population Fund, “it is estimated that over 130 million girls and women have undergone some form of genital cutting and at least two million girls are at risk of undergoing the practice every year.” FGM is reportedly practiced in 28 of Africa 's 43 countries, most pervasive in Egypt, Eritrea, Mali, Sudan, and the Central African Republic.[5] In the Middle East, FGM is found in Oman, Yemen, and the United Arab Emirates . Some immigrant populations in the United States, Latin America, and Asia (Maldives, Indonesia, Sri Lanka, and Malaysia) practice FGM as well.

According to the World Health Organization, “an estimated 100-140 million girls and women worldwide are currently living with the consequences of FGM…and two million girls a year are at risk—approximately 6,000 per day.  FGM is recognized internationally as a violation of the human rights of girls and women. It reflects deep-rooted inequality between the sexes, and constitutes an extreme form of discrimination against women. It is nearly always carried out on minors and is a violation of the rights of children. The practice also violates a person’s rights to health, security and physical integrity, the right to be free from torture and cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment, and the right to life when the procedure results in death.”

These sobering statistics should make you pause—at least I hope so—and reflect on the status of women in the 21^st century.  It is easy to assume that the progress of women’s rights in the world somehow resonated around the world but the facts belie the dream.  Too many women suffer the indignation of having no control whatsoever over their body, future, or even the well-being of their children.

FGM has no health benefits, and it harms girls and women in many ways. It involves removing and damaging healthy and normal female genital tissue, and interferes with the natural functions of girls’ and women’s bodies.

FGM offers very grave risks and consequences to a woman's lifelong physical and emotional health, and is by no means a necessary medical practice in any instance whatsoever.

The physical consequences alone can include:

Hemorrhage, short or long-term bleeding, Shock.
Infection -- may include tetanus, which is usually fatal Gangrene.
Urine retention for hours or days
Chronic urinary tract infections
Anemia due to long-term bleeding
Chronic pelvic infections or PID
Permanent Infertility
Vulval abscesses
Keloid formations
Dermoid cysts
Neurinoma -- in which the whole genital area becomes permanently painful.
Continuous leakage of urine and faces the whole of a woman's life.

Sexual dysfunction, which includes no sensitivity or sensation in the clitoris, as well as highly painful sexual intercourse.

Difficulties in menstruation or dysmenorrheal.

Gross swelling of the abdomen because of menstrual blood that cannot be released, and that swelling and the absence of menses may lead family or others to suspect a pregnancy, which would socially ostracize the woman.

Serious problems in pregnancy and childbirth, including obstructed labor, which can be fatal for both mother and baby. The baby may also suffer neonatal brain damage or death.

A high risk of HIV transmission, especially in countries where HIV is epidemic (which is the case in most of Africa).

The truth is religion does not allow you to do anything harmful to yourself. 

Based on my research on the internet I found this story about female genital cutting. 

A woman used to perform circumcision in Medina [Madîna]. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said to her: 'Do not cut severely as that is better for a woman and more desirable for a husband.'–Sunan Abu Dawûd, Book 41, #5251. 

http://www.minaret.org/fgm-pamphlet.htm

Don't tell us how to Dress, Tell men not to Rape

Thousand came out on Toronto streets to protest a police officer's remarks that dressing like a slut is an Invitation to rape. with many dressed provocatively and dancing to the beat of drums, the crowed marched to the police headquarters to demand punishment for the cop. A protest organizer said the protest aims to condemn the belief that woman's way of dressing 'makes you a target.' 'Just because I am a slut doesn't mean I want to be raped' Said a protester.