And some days, How I wish, I was a man..!

I love being a woman. Most of the time. Other times, I feel frustrated, angry and very helpless. Because I am a woman.

Not a single day I walk on the road, not feeling unsafe or threatened by someone. I’m not going to write about all the bad things that happened to me on the road, but my very first experiences on the road years back, not to mention that I got stabbed on the road Twice (I know you 'll be shocked to know  but you heard it right). I was lucky i dint die or it dint give me much pain physically for others to notice since i wanted to keep it as a secret, the reason I'll mention at the end of this.

A few years ago, I got free from work so thought will call my friends and asked them to meet me for a coffee and decided to take a walk alone to a decent eating place. I learnt a long time ago that trying to make friends at office is futile – and anyway, that’s not what I am there for. So there I was, all alone, happy at the thought of digging into a plateful of lasagna. I was speeding off to my place of choice. At the first red light, A car stopped a little away from me – black tinted glasses, blaring music – the vulgar signs of money, brazenness and danger in a city like Male’. I didn’t pay much attention to it, till the guy in the passenger seat opened the door and signaled at me. The door shut when I averted my face. I glanced back. This time the guy in the rear seat had opened the door and was jeering at me. I ignored, because in that situation it was the best I could do. And prayed the light would turn green and the monster would zip away and not chase me.

And that’s what happened – they drove away, after rolling down the windows, staring some more at me from their moving cars and laughing, as if it had been some kind of cruel joke. Those guys in the car, perverts obviously, were probably just enjoying the stricken look on my face when they opened and shut their car doors menacingly. They probably were getting their kick by just scaring a girl. And I’m supposed to thank my lucky stars they didn’t intend any worse than that!

A little way ahead, about half way, a cycle slowed down next to me. There was no one but this one guy. By the looks of him, you’d call him decent, almost suave. But he peered at me several times, giving away the truth behind that face. Unlike the men in the car, who seemed physically threatening, this guy was just checking me out. Not just checking out the way a guy would harmlessly check out a girl, but probably, trying his luck. You know, if I would give him the cue to stop the cycle, smile at him and ask for a ride (or maybe not). And he probably thought he could think that because I was alone in the road walking, around, 11.30 pm? I’ve never been looked at like that. And some part of me felt shamed for having given such notions to a man. Some part of me felt absolutely disgusted. And all of me felt miserable.

There’s no justification for a man to treat a woman like that, to make her feel so vulnerable, so frighteningly unsafe, so helpless in just a glance and a gesture. I felt stupid thinking I had plans of enjoying a meal! I felt stupid for being a woman! And I felt frightened at the thought of coming back to home – yes, that’s all the distance there was between my office and the café.

I wept. Scared to call up anyone, because either they would scold me for venturing out alone or they’d be too scared for me – as women, even though we can’t shield ourselves, we always try to shield the people around us. And that minute, I hated being a woman, hated being so powerless to defend myself. What precaution could I have taken to make myself invulnerable to those men on the street? On a crowded street where everyone’s too busy with their lives to stop and stand up for you? On busy road in the Capital city of the country? Is safety really a luxury for women?

Socio-Cultural Dynamics of Eating Out Alone or just Eyesha's Rant..?

I’m talking about Maldives today.. Eating out alone in some countries is not a big deal, indeed it is a culturally acceptable norm. It is perfectly okay to sit and eat alone at some place- in fact; it is expected in some of the café/bakery sort of places, where one can sit, eat, ruminate, read, write or Internet surf endlessly and nobody will blink an eyelid.

As I was having my brunch today- alone, mind you- I recalled an incident that had occurred a year ago. Obviously, it still rankles, since that is one memory that I have never forgotten. There was this one place near my office that we often visit. Once, I was craving for that particular place, food and taste so badly that I just could not stop myself and decided to go there without further delay. Most of my friends were out of town, and my sisters were busy and I usually don’t hang out with my office mates so I went alone.

I sat there and ate the most wonderfully unhealthy hot-and-sour soup. I suddenly heard a really snarky voice at my adjacent table say loudly “I don’t understand how people can eat out alone, especially girls!” Spoken out loudly enough to make sure I heard. I still remember the disdain in that voice.

I’ve never forgotten that incident. Almost every time I eat out alone (not that very often I go alone now), I recall this. I wonder what was going on in that person’s mind as he said this. I wish I had said something. I wish I had not been hurt. I wish I could meet him again and give him a resounding slap! I was just satisfying a primal urge- to eat some delicious food that I was craving. I wish I had not felt bad about doing this one thing I wanted to do for myself.

Eating out alone- especially for a girl, ye heavens! - was overstepping certain circumscribed societal norms. It isn’t accepted, it isn’t common, and hence it was worth commenting upon. Our cultural norms are defined, created and delineated to keep women in their place, inside or safeguarded. The outside is seen as the site of potential breach, be it of norms, principles or people. We women, as the moral and physical upholders of our culture, are not allowed to breach anything. Be it norms, principles or boundaries. Be they physical, socio-cultural or psychological.

I can only hope and “Wish” things are different now. From what I hear about the new trends and beliefs, I sure hope and “Wish” that women can go and eat out alone as, when and where they want, all the kind of food that they want to eat, without the world judging them in anyway. Next time this happens to me, I’ll make sure I dump the bowl of soup on the speaker’s head.
No matter how delicious it is.

Quitters Don't Always Lose

There will be a time when life treats you like crap. All your finely laid plans fail one-by-one and you're standing around wondering just what the hell you are going to do next, because nothing you do seems to work out. At such times, you will find that those that matter will stand by you - friends in need, indeed. And be grateful those friends - family or otherwise - because without them you'd have it much, much worse.

But a lot of them will tell you "Everything that happens, happens for the best"

This, is bullshit.

Remember this one little thing. God / Life / Nature / the flying spaghetti monster are under no obligation whatsoever to follow up something bad with something good. There is no fixed quota of "good" and "bad" things to happen to anyone from which you can deduct the number of times bad things have happened and mathematically believe that you have a greater chance of something good happening.

You will have only three choices to pick from: you either try whatever you were doing once more; you try to find a new way of doing it or you give up and find something else to do.

The last option there seems like anathema to most of us - we've all been brought up on the legend of King Bruce and the Spider. You remember it? The one where the king hides in a cave after losing a battle, and watches a spider repeatedly trying to climb a wall and failing a number of times before it reaches the ceiling. The moral of the story ostensibly is "If at first you don't succeed, try and try and try again."

King Bruce was an idiot. Oh sure, it is all right when you're a spider climbing a cave. Spiders don't have much more to do in life than weave webs. And it is all fine if you're a king, when you have enough men under you to throw at an enemy over and over and over till your enemy runs out of soldiers and you don't. But it doesn't always work. Sometimes you may have an obvious flaw that needs fixing and things will turn around for you; but quite often there are things you cannot see and people you cannot control that are permanent obstacles in your path.

Cutting your losses and moving to a different objective in life is no shame, never mind what certain orthodox-minded people believe. Our society place too much faith in rigid and single yardsticks to define "success" and "failure". 10th std exams, 12th std, doing IT / Medicine / CIMA and then landing a job in a company that everyone has heard of. Anything else is greeted with a disinterested "oh". And god forbid, if you don't do well in the mainstream courses, or decide to do something different, they look at you as if you've lost your mind.

Well, tell that to N, who was treated like crap by his profs in college - so much so that he quit. Don't ask him how much he makes now though, you'd need to have a  Masters degree to match his pay. Or R, who hated engineering so much that he did not attend college, and wasn't allowed to sit for his exams. And now is doing rather well, in a different field altogether. Or A, who flunked his tenth AND twelfth board exams four years ago - and now has won an ad design competition for amateurs across Europe, the prize for which has paid his tuition fees in his Master's course. Or the two guys in the band, who gave up their jobs to work with music.

All of them figured out when to say "Enough" to whatever it was that was causing them pain. There is so much stigma attached to "dropping out" that we seem to have missed one thing: quite often staying the course is far worse than finding something different to do. It also is a lesson that just because society thinks something is the norm, it doesn't mean it is good for you.

The Gambler in the song did say "Know when to hold on, know when to fold up, know when to walk away, know when to run." If you come across something that is stopping you from enjoying yourself, find another way to do it or find something else. Life's too short to be spent banging your head against concrete walls.

Networking

‘Social networking’ can really be such a double-edged sword.

You become friends on Facebook. You follow one another on Twitter, add each other as Flickr contacts and share your Upcoming events info. Soon you’re reading each other’s blogs, and sharing links you think are interesting, or pictures you hope they’ll enjoy. You view their private Tumblr with relish, and smile when you see they’ve posted something you suggested. They privately message you to comment about a nice Flickr picture of you. You drop hints in your blog, hoping they’ll spot the secret reference just for them; and they do. You direct message each other on Twitter and save your @ replies for other, less personal, acquaintances. You play a few games of online Scrabble and innuendo seeps into the miniature chat box. Your Facebook flirtations spill over into gmail and you end up IMing about life, love, sex. You spend months regularly chatting or messaging or DMing on Twitter or emailing or playing, and you’re flirting, and it’s fun and exciting and hopeful, and there is mutual attraction; and all these ways of communicating, of staying in contact, means you’re both interconnected, even if there are miles between you.

And it’s wonderful – until the communication ends.

Where once you’d find an almost daily email, now there is none; your inbox lies empty. They don’t log in to facebook chat any more (or they’re ‘invisible’); they’re no longer making themselves available to IM with you. You see their tweets but no private, saucy DM from them awaits you. You notice they’ve updated Flickr but they don’t comment on your photos any more. They’ve stopped sending you links and pictures and articles and now you hesitate to send them any. You drop hints about them in your blog that you hope they’ll pick up on, but they fail to react. You spot their Facebook updates but no jokey messages from them are in your inbox. The Scrabble game you created goes un-played.

Once upon a time, outside the social network of the Internet, you’d just shrug if someone dropped communication and accept that if they really wanted to stay in contact, they’d simply pick up the 'phone and say hello. But in the web of modern interactivity, where you get used to the regular loud chatter of the (false?) intimacy of the social network, the sudden distance and silence from someone you’ve connected with on a frequent and personal basis is –ironically – deafening.

Adultery And Options

I know a couple of women who are aware that their husbands are cheating on them and yet choose to stay on in the marriage, children and all. My first instinct used to be to question the wisdom of their choice - specially for what it meant for the kids. A girl who grows up seeing her mother demurely accept being abused and humiliated may not grow up to seek or demand any different from the man in her own life. The boy would likely not learn to respect women if he did not see his father respect his mother - specially if his mother did not reject being disrespected. The mother forms a very important female leitmotif in the lives of her kids whatever their sex. It becomes important then for her to become an example of what she would not regret them emulating.

As for the woman herself, once she lowers the bar that low for how far out of line her spouse can step without jeopardizing their marriage, chances are, her husband will stop at nothing - he now has caret Blanche to do exactly as he pleases without fear of consequences or retribution. How could any of those scenarios be a good outcome from a marriage, how could such a marriage be worth preserving. Seemingly contrary to commonsense, these otherwise smart women do what seems utterly wrong both for themselves and their children.

What is more, this behavior does not seem to be restricted to the ordinary and middle-class. Rich and famous women have likewise accepted their errant husbands when it would appear they had no reason to tolerate bad behavior. Maybe there comes a point in a married woman's life, when she is betrayed by her husband, any or all options she has available are wholly unfavorable to for her far more than they are for the straying husband.

If she has achieved a certain standing in society by virtue of her marriage or is at least greatly helped by it, she stands to loose that position all that it entails if she walks away without any guarantees she can do even better alone or with someone else. Past a certain age, she no longer feels confident that men will still find her appealing enough to consider marriage or she would be able to find someone (potentially even older than herself) who would appeal to her. If she walks away, the other woman walks right in to her life, run the home she helped build and share the children she gave birth to.

Sometimes, the cold math of it all just does not add up to make sense to walk away for the sake of injured dignity and hurt pride. Maybe these women stay on because it is the logical best option to remain the thorn on their cheating husband's side and bar another woman from feasting on the fruits of her labor. Ironically, it is two women working against each other over a man who is the cause of all their troubles in the first place.

Just Another Way!

Unless you are a woman all of whose girlfriends are married and “settled”, chances are that you often find yourself listening to someone who is going through relationship problems and wants to share their woes with you. Over the years, the common theme I have seen come from these outpourings is one of feeling extreme emotional vulnerability. This state of mind is particularly confusing to a woman who views herself as liberated, open-minded and a free agent doing as she pleases without being beholden to societal expectations of her gender.

Fifteen to twenty years ago, it was not commonplace for women to be in a physically intimate relationship before marriage. That has since changed. Those who got exposed to western lifestyle at the time were able to bring such change into their lives even earlier. "Empowerment" to live freely came to both only at different times in their lives.

Up to this point, it all sounds good. The girls no longer feel like their net worth in the marriage market is highly dependent on the possession of an enraptured hymen. Sadly, other problems have taken their place. In the brave new world, women are willing and able to enter into a physically intimate relationship without having a wedding date calendared. However, to alleviate the feelings of guilt associated with being in such a state, they allow (indeed require) love to lead them there.

So when men turn out not to have any serious intent or are simply not prepared to take on the responsibility of marriage but want to continue in a friends plus benefits arrangement, women start to become progressively unhappy. They are no longer sure, if what they have going on is what they really want. The happiness of unbridled freedom is soured by a gnawing sense of doubt often tinged with hopelessness. Then there are all the complications that come into play with the man morphing suddenly into Mama's boy who allows his family or mostly friends to find him a girl and pretends the relationship did not even exist. Often, that's where a girlfriend such as yours truly is called and gets to be the much needed damp shoulder.

As much as I want to be helpful to my friends in times of distress, I can't but help point out the fatal flaw in their ways. I don't say this from any kind of moral high ground at all. I have told several of them that they need to recalibrate a little and things will improve dramatically. If they feel the need for intimacy they can just have that and leave. There is simply no need to perpetuate a very temporal thing into an unnecessary relationship in order to feel less immoral about it. It is not enough to merely shed physical inhibition (which clearly they have done), it is far more important to rise above the cultural conditioning and shed the moral ones - a far more subtle and therefore insidious impediment to their desire to be free.

It's fair to tell a man that's what it's going to be - a short duration liaison with no end game and they can go their separate ways after that. It is important to end things definitively and not leave them unresolved and therefore the door open for emotional entanglement  - something I notice girls don't do so well. If someone looks like serious marriage material then this would clearly not be the way to proceed. One woman said "That's like using and throwing them". I agreed that may be a way of looking at it except when you say “no” to “such actions” for the sake of your future which are made clear from the start, the word "use" does not apply any more.

Being that men generally like women to be emotionally involved while in a "relationship", intimacy without that connection is often quite meaningless to them. Many will never agree to be part of such an arrangement. Having enjoyed the privilege of being the party that decides when and how to end things, it may be quite painful not being able to do so.

Alternately, I suggest they could go through the motions of being deeply in love with the man and keep them emotionally detached. So when the end comes, there will not be any broken pieces to be picked up. The man gets to have a well satiated ego and she is truly free. It seems to be a win-win situation (unless you count the inability to trust or become be the kind of person someone else cannot trust) even if based on deception.

If neither works then they have no choice but to become like me - a non-participating bystander watching the dating gaming shenanigans and providing acerbic though not necessarily astute commentary. It is fairly entertaining but provides little else besides. "Isn't there another way? Like two people starting as friends, being in committed relationship and then getting married" a woman asked me recently.

That is entirely in the realm of possible but the more I hear form my girlfriends about what they go through in the process of trying to find (and keep) love, the more the "another way” sounds like a modern day Cinderella story. The only difference being the women doesn’t wait for their prince to show up with the glass slipper. They have taken matters into their own hands and are willing to kiss many frogs along the way to finding their man. Somewhere in that muddle of mixed metaphors of fairy tale references, the frogs end up remaining frogs, kisses notwithstanding and the other slipper goes missing along with the prince who was supposed to find them.

Part Woman

I was walking upstairs and she was walking down when I saw her first. It was past 8:00 in the evening. Her clothes arrested attention for their scantiness. An orange bra peeped from under a midriff bearing green camisole. The low-rise jeans revealed a thong along with a tattoo on her lower back. She had the kind of body that looks great when flaunted. I wondered if this stunning woman was my new neighbor. Then I noticed her face which was as perfect as the rest of her. But even with all that make-up, I could tell she was no more than fifteen years old.

Her attire had sexualized her to the point where it was hard to see her for the child that she really was. I stood at the top of the stairs and watched her walk across the road with the air of a woman used to being provocative and noticed. It was like she was a model walking on a ramp with cameras flashing all around her. Another neighbor was walking down the road and he scoped her out like she was a woman. Since she had gone to considerable length put her body on display, I doubt if he noticed her face before she got into the car waiting for her.

Clothes shopping for girls as young as six or eight is challenging business these days. It appears that you cannot do cute and appropriate at the same time. There is always the sweat-suits, jeans and tees for those of us who cringe at the thought of dressing six year olds like tartlets. More often than not, the little girl will want more varied fare but they are too young to understand the concept of revealing or provocative.

As a parent you need to be cautious about what they are allowed to wear even at that age. If they grow up exposing a lot of skin, doing so comes comfortably and naturally to them as teenagers and adults. The notion of modesty cannot be introduced suddenly when their bodies begin to develop because they may view it as unreasonably restrictive. If a certain article of clothing was appropriate last year why should it be a taboo now?

When I saw this teenager being a woman, I could not help feeling sad. There is something beautiful and innocent about the cusp between childhood and adulthood. Awkwardness, hesitation and confusion come with the territory. Wearing make-up for the first time, the first bra, putting on a stylish dress from your mother's wardrobe are small rites of passage that make this age so special.

You try the adult role with some anxiety knowing you can slip back into the known and comfortable contours of childhood when in doubt. In a few years you acquire the physical and emotional confidence to be a woman. Young girls these days are being thrust from girlhood to womanhood without the cushion of the time in between. They are being sexualized even before they have understood their sexuality or how to deal with it.

The true essence of womanhood is lost on these kids as they come to equate it to being provocative. Even as adults they would continue to play at being women because they have not had the opportunity to evolve naturally into it. They would do anything in their power to remain physically and sexually appealing as their whole identity as women revolves around it.